Brain Chemistry in Your Relationship Lab

 I’ve had the chance to spend some time with Dr.John Gray of Mars Venus fame. He’s due to come speak in my city soon, and while excited about welcoming an author of his celebrity status, local reporters so far seem not to ‘get’ what his core message is. The science is confusing them.  His new book, Mars and Venus on Ice, discusses the impact of bio-chemistry on relationships.

He asks why it is that most women love to meander and socialize while shopping, whereas most men prefer a quick ‘go in-get what they need and get out’ approach? Believe it or not, the reasons are rooted in both neurochemistry and evolution. 

Women have traditionally been nurturers and gatherers, working in gaggles searching out the best options for their families. Meanwhile, men were the hunters, out for the kill to bring home. Their pride was stroked and stoked by rapid results.

Maybe it’s a chicken and egg thing, but what happens for women while participating in shopping-type activities is that they release serotonin, the feel-good neurotransmitter. This endorphin enhances mood, reduces anxiety and relieves depression. The bio-chemical rush incites them to want more of that kind of activity. The same thing happens when women seek to ‘talk things over’ about their day or their challenges. More than seeking a ‘fix’, they seek empathy. They are wandering around their feelings, searching for understanding from their listeners; and when they get it, this triggers release of serotonin with all its pleasurable feelings.

The same type of activity tends to trigger in men a reduction of Dopamine, the neurotransmitter which affects energy levels, motivation and clear thinking. So no wonder they feel depleted when dragged into environments that decrease the endorphin that makes them feel good. And attempts to do what they are good at, like getting to the point and going for the quick-fix, are exactly opposite of what women respond to positively. Oh oh, sounds like a recipe for misunderstanding , if not disaster, if we don’t know what’s really going on. Conversely, once we understand the implications of neurochemistry on relationships and performance, we can design in scenarios to optimize the effects to mutual benefit.

Do you have any experiences with these dynamics? Please share!

And there’s more to come…