Perceptual Shift: ‘Ladies First’ Creates Equal Opportunity Relationships

We have become used to the conversation over the last two to three decades of gender differences, accompanied by a range of why’s and wherefores. Now John Gray of Mars Venus fame is back with ‘Venus on Fire,Mars on Ice’, giving us a rationale based on biochemistry and hormones. What? Reduce love, sex and the rocky road of relationships to that? “How unsatisfying!”, say the reporters and romantics who just don’t get it. If you can hang on long enough to get past the scientific language, the underlying concepts are fairly simple and provide a roadmap of sorts to allow both sexes to get what we want and need from each other. Ironically, one of the biggest shortcomings in relationships falls back on us as individuals; that old adage of being willing to take responsibility for our own happiness. But, I digress.

The crux of the matter is that our modern lifestyle breeds stress, which males and females tend to process differently based on our hormones. Stress leads men to appear- or actually be- cold and uncaring to women, and women to appear or be angry and, well…, witchy, to men. This is the reference to Ice and Fire. Think about your own habit patterns when stressed- do you lash out, blaming yourself or others for your fate? Withdraw? Grit your teeth and carry on with a sneer or steely resolve? Shift gears to be active as a whirlwind or slow to paralysis? Truth is, we do tend to take out our own stresses on those around us- we just do it differently.  Release from the grip of stress- a buildup of cortisol which pressurizes our adrenals and prevents triggering the release of helpful hormones will eventually damage not just our relationships, but our health as well. Understanding these dynamics can help us know what to do and what NOT to do.

Men cope with stress best by releasing testosterone, which happens when males can solve problems, sacrifice for a noble cause or step up to handle an urgent situation. When put in stressful situations where they can’t be heroic (being dragged around shopping with the little woman?), men just get sleepy and ‘check out’, appearing icy. Women deal with stress best when able to provide a safe and cooperative environment, be nurturing then receive nurturing support back as these actions release oxytocin. When women don’t take time to receive nurturing when under stress, and press on relentlessly, they actually send themselves further into a downward cycle of firey resentment and discontent. And when these hormone induced responses occur, we tend to gripe about each other- she complains he is opting out and leaving everything on her shoulders and he moans that she is demanding, unappreciative and, well…, witchy, which sours the whole relationship. Men quit trying to satisfy their partner’s incessant demands and distance themselves. Women stop trusting a guy who is so unresponsive to her needs, take on more tasks themselves and stop relating kindly. As they both feel less loving and have way less desire for sex, the distance between them grows, and so it goes.

What’s cool is that, knowing this dynamic, we can now use the information to find creative ways to overturn the inevitable and bring out the best in each other, as well do the same for ourselves. Understanding a situation can keep us from jumping to wrong or judgmental conclusions. Our perception allows us to behave differently.

In simple terms, here’s the skinny.  “A man’s mission”, to quote Dr. Gray, “is to make himself happier by making his woman happier.” Hence, if a gent stokes the flames of his lady by pitching in or even just noticing and appreciating her (first), her oxytocin levels rise and  she is more likely to respond, in turn, by appreciating his efforts and replacing the nagging with compliments. Boom, up shoots his testosterone, and he won’t need either a phone booth or cape to act heroic after that. He just needed clear instructions and ego stroking.  Ideally, the cycle continues virtuously as each partner makes conscious effort to contribute to lowering the stress of their partner in gender and context appropriate ways.  We can also ‘treat’ ourselves by giving ourselves whatever will increase our respective levels of oxytocin or testosterone.

Bad habits, ruts and resentment might require a period of priming the pump to change the dynamic- perhaps by writing in a journal or practicing just one little compliment to be delivered while running on the treadmill. The payoffs are worth it in more ways than one: more love, more sex, better health and a generally more pleasant environment in the household (or workplace-which is a discussion for another day)- wherever both genders interact. This is assuming a will to play nicely together in the sandbox. To mix my metaphors, it takes two to tango.

So to get back into the ‘love bubble’ of relationship bliss, pull out all the stops to get the good hormones flowing for yourself and your mate. Be willing to act to trigger the appropriate hormones in your partner in simple or creative ways, and create a lifestyle that helps you help and heal yourself as well.